June 2011 Featured Skater: Punchy O’Guts

When Punchy O’Guts isn’t making her teammates laugh, she’s busy wreaking havoc on the track. As a captain of the Port Authorities, Maine Roller Derby’s WFTDA charter team, Punchy O’Guts has learned a lot about leading by example. The fact that the Port Authorities have never rostered more than 12 skaters, and still manage to hold the 9th place in the WFTDA Eastern Regional Rankings, makes you realize there is a lot more to this skater than a sense of humor. Learn more about Punchy O’Guts…

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Name: Punchy O'Guts
Number: 4EYES
League: Maine Roller Derby
Teams you play for: The Port Authorities (WFTDA-chartered team)

What is your roller derby playing position of choice?
Pivot / Blocker

What is your skate gear of choice?
Antik MG2 skates, TSG knee and elbow pads, Swiss Bones bearings, Atom G-Rods (just about any Atom wheel will do, really), Protec Helmet, and McDavid Laced Ankle braces.

How did you get involved with roller derby?
I first heard about derby when I was writing for a local alt-weekly newspaper. I received a few press releases from Maine Roller Derby. I was like "Wow, that's really awesome, but I could never do it. I'm fat, I have bum knees and I'm too old." I was about 45 lbs overweight and sitting in a cubicle with wrist guards (ironic, I know, but they were for tendonitis). And then I got fired from my job. A week later I took my daughter roller skating. There was a cesspool of children skating in all directions and it infuriated me. I wanted to knock them all down. (I wouldn't really, of course. I'm not a psychopath.) Then, I remembered those press releases about roller derby, and I wanted in. I went to a practice and fell in love.

How long have you been playing roller derby?
I've been playing derby since September of 2006. So that's 4.5 years.

What is your sports/skating background?
I was a gymnast from ages 7-10, I played tennis for two years in high school, and when I was a pre-teen I was a rink rat. I went roller skating every Thursday night. I loved the shoot-the-duck game. I also loved the couple skate, even though no one asked me to skate. I was the sad, ugly child on the sidelines lovingly smiling at all the couples as they whizzed by.

Any advice for girls who want to join roller derby?
My feelings would be best expressed in a monologue from Mean Girls: "Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack."

[For the record: The Mean Girls quote is just a joke. It doesn't mean anything. There are so many pieces of advice to give a woman trying out, but the best, I think, is to find the balance between being serious about the sport and having fun. Sometimes stuff doesn't make sense (like the Mean Girls quote) but you go with it anyway.]

From what we understand, you got into roller derby because you wanted to punch people. When you realized punching was not part of modern roller derby, what made you stay? What has kept you in roller derby since then?
Let's get this straight – whoever told you I wanted to punch people is full-on wrong, and I will punch her in the throat and ankles for doing so. I joined Maine Roller Derby a few months after the league started in 2006. The only derby I'd seen was on the A&E Rollergirls show and YouTube videos of Ann Calvello, so I thought derby was going to be rougher. When I showed up for my first practice (this was before the league held try-outs), I stood on the side and watched a group of women sweat and pant through horrible things like suicides and lunges and planks. And they were laughing and having fun. I needed to be part of it. When I skated with them the following week it felt like going home. And I never wanted to leave.

Do you have a pre-bout ritual?
The night before a bout I want two glasses of Jameson on the rocks (with a lemon) and some sex. The day of a bout I watch derby footage while I clean my wheels and goggles, drink lots of water, eat delicious fruits and sushis, visualize myself doing amazing things on the track and then meet with my teammates for smoothies, coffee, jokes, and fun times.

Do you have a motivational quote?
Having fun is fun!!

What goes through your brain as you lace up your skates?
It changes every time. Sometimes I think of Jack Handy quotes, like this one: "Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk”. Sometimes I look at half of my teammates and wonder why they are so midgety. And then sometimes I think about how I'm not going to fall during the intro this time.

Do you have a theme song?
Erich Pobatschnig wrote a song about me called "Punchy O'Guts”. You can listen to it here.

What are some of your best/favorite moments in roller derby?
Every moment feels like the best moment. Truly. Some of the best though include the very first Port Authorities’ bout in 2008 (our goal was to not lose by more than 50 points and we won by 11), ECE 2010, the 2009 fresh meat hazing in Morristown, and any moment spent with the 2011 Port Authorities – they are the funnest people alive.

Who are your roller derby heroes?
My heroes are the women and men who bust their asses for their league, the ones who spend countless hours on BoD emails, the ones who pound the pavement selling their league, the ones who cry because they are injured and can't play or because a teammate retired, the ones who dedicate their energy, heart and time to making roller derby a legitimate sport and can still take care of their kids, excel at work or school, get the damn laundry done and still wear a smile on their beautiful faces.

How would you describe your derby playing style?
When I hit the track, I am super-focused and serious. I try to make every movement efficient and calculated. Also, I practice jamnesia: forgetting what happened in the jam before and moving on to the next, a term coined by my teammate, Grim D. Mise.

Do you have a signature move?
Probably the 4-eyed hip-check. I use the eyes in the back of my head to find my target, and then the eyes in front to see her hit the floor after I rail a hip into her.

What are some of your greatest roller derby accomplishments?
Not sustaining any major injury in the 4.5 years I've played derby. (Where's the wood to knock on?) I've got to say this past year has met with so many huge accomplishments. Getting honored with the WFTDA Featured Skater means so much to me. Moving up from #11 to #9 in the WFTDA rankings and breaking the DNN bubble to earn #24 on the Power Rankings are major accomplishments for my team. Personally, being honored with the MVP from both Charm City Roller Girls and Philly Roller Girls (teams I very much respect and look up to) was such a delightful shock. In both those bouts, my team was destroyed, but I kept playing my heart out. Charm or Philly could have pulled a name out of a helmet when they voted for MVP, but it meant the world to me to be recognized by such talented skaters.

Maine Roller Derby is known for being one of the smaller leagues out there. How do you think this has helped you as a skater? What are the challenges associated with being part of a smaller league?
Well, half my team is 5'2'' or under but I don't treat them any different. Little people can play good derby, too, you know. Seriously, though, the challenges of a small league are extensive and often feel insurmountable. The size of our two teams ranges from 7-12 skaters. Our all-star team has never had more than 12 skaters, so losing one (never mind 2 or 3 or 4) to injury or retirement is devastating. It changes the whole dynamic of the team. We try to be proactive and groom skaters, but there have been times when we've lost half the team at the end of a season, and we have to start all over again. It's difficult to schedule bouts having no idea how the team will perform, and it's difficult to play bouts with a handful of skaters who've never competed at the all-star level and haven't mastered the skills needed to do so. In addition, we've had some skaters who don't contribute to the league or meet attendance requirements, but are allowed playtime – and lots of it – because we can't afford to lose them. The skaters who contribute often contribute double and triple the time and energy to make up for not only having a small league, but also having many skaters who do not help with league business.

These challenges have made me a patient, realistic and compassionate teammate. I am patient and compassionate with the growth of new skaters, and I'm realistic about their abilities as a teammate and our abilities as a team. And because I'm part of an all-star team of ten skaters, I play in every bout, and I play 55-75% of each bout. That gives me a lot of experience and builds endurance, which I am very grateful for. If I were part of a larger league, like Gotham Girls Roller Derby or Philly, I doubt I'd make the all-star team. And if I did, I doubt I'd get much playtime in a bout.

You are one of the captains of Maine Roller Derby’s Port Authorities, your league's WFTDA Charter team. How did you end up in this leadership role and what do you bring to the position? Do you have any advice for other WFTDA Charter team captains?
I share the duties of captaining with Itsy Bitsy Fighter, and we were elected into our positions by our teammates. As a captain, I bring experience to the team more than anything else. I'm the only member of the team that has played in every Port Authorities’ bout, and I'm one of a few league members left who have been with the league since it started. So, I've been around through the growing pains. Fighter and I are very organized, democratic and transparent. We involve the team with almost every decision, and we share lineups prior to bouts so everyone knows how much playtime they'll receive and what positions they'll play. I really think those three qualities – being organized, democratic and transparent – are the best qualities a captain can have. And the proof is in our team. We never have drama. We all get along and go with the team flow. It's all about leading by example.

Besides captaining the Port Authorities, have you held other leadership positions in your league?
Just a few months after joining the league I took on Bout Production and held this position for two and a half years. I also briefly headed up Sponsorship and Interleague Relations while the league searched for a replacement. I gave up Bout Production to take on Marketing for the league in August of 2009. I've been the Marketing Director and League Webmistress ever since. In all of these positions, I have been responsible for running a committee and being a member of the league's board of directors. It's like having a full-time job on top of your full-time job and grad school and being a mum and...

I'm also a WFTDA rep for my league, and I've been a member of the 2011 Training Committee, for which I am responsible for planning and running practices with the other coaches. I've been experimenting with a fresh meat training class called Scrimmage 101, which teaches new skaters how to play the game of roller derby. I'm planning to publish the training manual within the next few months so other leagues can benefit from it.

The Port Authorities earned a place on the Derby News Network Power Rankings in May 2011, landing at #24, but unfortunately ended up getting bumped off in June. You also moved up to 9th from 11th place in last quarter's WFTDA Eastern Regional Rankings. To what do you attribute your team's recent climb in rankings? Do you have any predictions for the rest of the Port Authorities' season?
Being recognized in the Power Rankings and moving up in the WFTDA rankings shows how hard we've worked with so few resources. My tiny team has so much heart, talent and guts. I attribute our recent climb to the team's commitment to relentless training. We refuse to be dismissed as a rinky-dink derby team way up in Maine. We are serious about derby and we want to be the best.

You are known for crushing hits that originate from your booty; earning your league's 'Hardest Hits' award in 2008 and 2010. We want to know how you hit so hard? And who beat you out in 2009?
No one beat me in 2009. The league didn't hold annual awards, which was a bummer. And honestly, I'm not convinced I hit all that hard. I think I just surprise skaters with sneaky hits. My goggles hide my eyes, and I use my peripheral vision to find my target. I wait for the right moment, and then go for it. I also was awarded "Most Feared" in those years, but I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

How has your involvement in roller derby affected the way you live the rest of your life?
Roller derby has taken over the way I live the rest of my life. It's more a priority than everything but my family. I spend more time on derby work than my grad school work (a shame, I know, since I'm paying like $60K for it). There are weeks when every night is dedicated to roller derby. It's worth it, though.

Derby has made me a healthier person. I make healthier choices regarding my diet. I am in shape, and I have the tools to stay in shape for the rest of my life. I've also learned how to work with women of all different personality types, which was very difficult for me. If nothing more, derby has taught me how to be diplomatic.

Anyone you'd like to take the opportunity to thank?
First of all, thank you to those who nominated and chose me for the WFTDA skater of the month. I am so honored! I want to thank my derby heroes – the women and men who make the wheels of roller derby turn. It's a thankless job to build a sport and keep it thriving. I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you to the retired skaters who continue to volunteer for their leagues. Thank you to the skaters who run junior roller derby leagues – oh my god, those little girls are going to grow into amazing, amazing women.

I am forever thankful to my teammates for embracing, humoring and amusing me on a daily basis. And I'm thankful for my daughter, Winter, and my sweetheart, Zack, who fully support my roller derby career.

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Would you like to be the WFTDA Featured Skater of the month (or nominate one of your fantastic teammates)? If you are an active skater on a WFTDA full member league that has a dazzling derby career, please contact webmaster@wftda.com and let us know what makes you shine.